MILE 13: I Had Fun!!!

ALEX: WHAT WERE WE THINKING? I FEEL LIKE WE JUST WASTED SO MUCH TIME TRAINING FOR THIS DAMN MARATHON. MAYBE IF WE’D DEVOTED AS MUCH TIME TO DATING MAYBE WE WOULDN’T BE SINGLE?

ME: YEAH, I MEAN, I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE BEEN GOING TO HAPPY HOURS OR SOMETHING?

ALEX: WELL, IT’S TIME. LET’S DO IT. IT’LL BE OUR MAN-A-THON.

ALEX is my best friend from college. We fell in love move-in day Freshman year of college—she is from Philly and I’m from LA, yet we were wearing the same platform sandals—and as they say, the rest was history. And based on the way both our dating lives have been progressing on the lonely island of Manhattan, I’d be lying if I told you we hadn’t made a pact to move to Italy together as platonic life partners if we’re not in long-term relationships by 40. It doesn’t make it any easier that now around age 27 all of our friends are pairing off, getting married and having kids. And then there’s us—both without a single “serious” relationship to speak of—and bored of having the same conversation with each other, “Where is he?” “What’s wrong with me?” We’re exhausted and harried by the process of decoding all the missed connections and mis-interpreted signals/emails/FB/text messages of our generation.

ME: EXACTLY. WE TRAINED FOR THE NYC MARATHON TOGETHER, AND NOW WE’LL ENDURE THE MAN-A-THON TOGETHER. INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT IT, WE’LL DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. RIGHT?

ALEX: TOTALLY. SIMPLE. STRATEGIC. LINEAR. WE’VE NEVER BEEN AFRAID OF HARD WORK. WE JUST NEED TO PUT SOME TIME INTO IT. WE’VE BEEN SO FOCUSED ON OUR CAREERS AND MAKING IT IN NYC.

Our post-work 6 mile Central Park running loop quickly morphed into a gimlet-infused bar-hop.  We traded our Lululemon spandex for silk blouses we could unbutton after we left the office. Every Thursday we met for happy hour—just the two of us—no coworkers, friends or coaches allowed. Our only rule was to talk to dudes. Any dudes. Practice, practice, practice.  

A chilly January night, we strategically selected Pete’s Tavern, a New York institution with a laid back “everybody knows your name” vibe. They serve popcorn and beer, and it’s generally a “men-den.” With no empty stools, we post up behind the bar against the hissing radiator. There are two guys sitting at the bar in front of us: preppy, early 30s, promising. With a telling nod, ALEX and I agreed that they were our practice targets for the night.

The more animated of the two men keeps turning around to steal looks at us. Feigning obliviousness we continue our own catch up session. In truth, ALEX and I only get to see each other once a week, and as platonic life partners, that’s just not enough. We can legitimately entertain ourselves for hours—normally the radiator could have burnt a hole in my dress before I’d notice, but this is different—we’re in training mode. Get your head in the game. Dude motion.

As they start to settle their tab, I wedge in to ask if we can steal their seats. I had made contact.  The four of us start talking. WILLY and JACK are friends from college at Colgate. They both grew up in New York City.  They live in the neighborhood. After about 15 minutes of friendly, engaged conversation they make their exit.

ALEX and I took their seats with a share look of disbelief.

ME: WHAT??? ISN’T THAT THE POINT WHERE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO ASK FOR OUR NUMBERS? I DON’T GET IT…

Ten minutes later, the more outgoing of the two comes back into the bar alone.

WILLY: SO…THIS IS GOING TO SOUND KINDA WEIRD, BUT I THOUGHT WE SHOULD ALL HANG OUT AGAIN SOMETIME. I WANTED TO GET YOUR NUMBER (POINTS AT ME), AND MY FRIEND JACK WANTED TO GET YOURS (ALEX).

ME: UM, SURE. YEAH..

           ALEX: OK…YEAH.

WILLY: OH, GREAT. WE’LL CALL YOU NEXT WEEK. WELL, I’LL CALL YOU. AND JACK WILL CALL YOU. BUT MAYBE WE COULD GO ON A DOUBLE DATE. THAT WOULD BE REALLY FUN.

…..

The following Thursday, the four of us meet for drinks at a dark lounge.

I’m three weeks in to my yearly “sober January” detox ritual, so WILLY orders a vodka rocks and gets me a club soda with lime.

The four of us are standing at the bar, chatting.

JACK: SO WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?

ME: I DO MARKETING FOR A NEWS NETWORK

ALEX: I’M IN EQUITY SALES AT AN INVESTMENT FIRM.

JACK: ME TOO, WHICH ONE?

WILLY: HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN ALCATRAZ?

ME: UHHH…THE JAIL???

ALEX: I WENT THERE WHEN I WAS LIKE 6

WILLY: NO, NO THE SHOW. I THINK YOU GUYS WOULD REALLY LIKE IT. YOU SHOULD CHECK IT OUT. I THINK IT’S ON HISTORY CHANNEL. OR MAYBE FX. SOME CABLE CHANNEL.

JACK: UH, OK.

The three of us are visibly thrown by the non-sequitor. I attempt to get us back on track.

ME: WILLY, WHAT DO YOU DO?

WILLY: I WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT. I THOUGHT I WANTED TO BE AN ARCHEOLOGIST, SO I LIVED IN NICARAGUA FOR A WHILE DOING THAT, BUT I REALIZED IT WAS JUST SHOVELING A BUNCH OF DIRT. ALSO, I HAVE A BIG MEETING IN THE MORNING, SO I WON’T BE ABLE TO STAY OUT LATE. I HAVE TO BE UP REALLY EARLY.

JACK: OK, SO ALEX…WHAT FIRM DID YOU SAY?

WILLY’s phone rings…

WILLY: SORRY GUYS. I HAVE TO GET THIS. IT’S MY MOM. SHE’S BEEN HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME WITH MY PARENTS DIVORCE…IT’S BEEN ALMOST 7 YEARS.

JACK blasts him an embarrassed look.

ME: OH, NO WORRIES AT ALL.

We continue normal conversation until WILLY returns.

WILLY: SHE WAS CRYING. TOUGH.

THIS IS SO FUN! ARE YOU HAVING FUN?? YOU WANT ANOTHER DRINK?

ALEX and JACK jump at the opportunity to split off from us.

WILLY: I WILL JUST HAVE TO LEAVE PRETTY EARLY, SO I DON’T WANT YOU TO THINK I’M NOT HAVING FUN…

He grabs my bicep.

YOU’RE SO JACKED! YOU MUST LIFT.

WOW. Because that is exactly the type of thing a girl wants to hear.

It’s in the realm of my mom telling me that my calves are HUGE! (and fully believing she is giving me a compliment).

ME: WELL, I DON’T NECESSARILY LIFT, BUT I JUST RAN THE NYC MARATHON AND I TEACH YOGA, SO I’D SAY I’M PRETTY ACTIVE.

WILLY: I USED TO BE IN SHAPE, BUT I’VE JUST BEEN WORKING SO MUCH IT HAS BEEN REALLY HARD TO KEEP IT UP…GOD…I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW JACKED YOU ARE!! WE SHOULD JUST GO IN THE CORNER AND MAKE OUT.

ME: UH, NO. THAT’S OK.

Is this guy for real???

Long, awkward pause. 30 minutes in to the date and he’s still in his winter coat.

            ME: SO…ANY BIG PLANS THIS WEEKEND?

WILLY: I HAVE TO GO TO THIS BLACK TIE DINNER THING…I’M DOING A FAVOR FOR MY MOM.

ME: WHAT IS THE DINNER FOR?

WILLY: IT’S ACTUALLY A BLIND DATE. MY MOM’S FRIEND’S DAUGHTER DIDN’T HAVE A DATE, SO MY MOM WANTED ME TO GO WITH HER.

ME: AGGRESSIVE BLIND DATE.

Pause. He just stares at me.

He answers all of my questions matter-of-factly and then just stares at me. It’s a conversation cul-de-sac.

WILLY: I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN! WE SHOULD DO THIS AGAIN SOME TIME? ARE YOU HAVING FUN? DO YOU LIKE MOVIES? MAYBE WE SHOULD GO SEE A MOVIE NEXT WEEK? ARE YOU HAVING FUN?? I JUST DON’T WANT YOU TO THINK I’M NOT HAVING FUN, BECAUSE I HAVE AN EARLY MEETING TOMORROW.

ME: YEAH, OK. SOUNDS GOOD.

I cringe.

He puts his arm around me, and squeezes my upper arm again.

WILLY: I’M GONNA GO TO THE BATHROOM. OR YOU CAN COME WITH ME AND WE CAN MAKE OUT IN THE CORNER.

ME: NO, I DON’T MAKE OUT IN PUBLIC.

……..

WILLY: THE BATHROOM IS REALLY COOL. PRETTY SEXY IN THERE. THEY’VE GOT CANDLES AND STUFF.

(PAUSE)

GOD. I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN! I’M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE PRETTY SOON. LET’S GO GET THE OTHER TWO.

WILLY charges back up to ALEX and JACK and interrupts.

WILLY: SO, YOU GUYS READY TO HEAD OUT? I’VE GOT THAT EARLY MEETING. WE HAD FUN! WE’RE GOING TO HANG OUT NEXT WEEK. WHAT ABOUT YOU GUYS? ARE YOU GUYS HAVING FUN? ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO HANG OUT AGAIN?

JACK: I THINK WE’LL FIGURE THAT OUT OURSELVES.

ME: THEY SHOULD STAY, LET’S JUST GO.

WILLY: I THINK WE SHOULD ALL GO TOGETHER.

JACK, ALEX and I grab our coats. WILLY never took his off.

WILLY: I HAD SO MUCH FUN. I’LL CALL YOU NEXT WEEK. MOVIE? YOU SAID YOU LIKE MOVIES?

ME: SOUNDS GOOD.

He puts his arm around me and kisses me on the cheek.

We all walk out to the curb to hail cabs. ALEX and JACK are saying goodbye and I have one arm in my coat. WILLY swoops in, hugs me underneath my coat and smothers me and plants a wet kiss on my lips.  And on my cheeks. And forehead. It’s a face attack.

I freeze. I’m in shock. My body does into full rigor mortise. Is this happening right now?? Get the hell away from me.

As WILLY, skips away, he fist pumps and shouts—“I HAD FUN!!!”

....

He texted me later that night to tell me: “I HAD FUN!"

After I politely declined a movie the following week, he continued to text me “Hey!” or “M- U happen 2 b out??!” at 2am  on a Tuesday. I still get texts from WILLY.  ALEX and JACK never saw each other again either. But we achieved our goal—practice. It’s a long journey ahead.

Training Takeaway: It’s ok to say no.

My morning run along the Hudson is where I process the musings in my mind. As I put one foot in front of the other a smile crossed my face remembering WILLY’s fist pump into the winter air.  One thing is certain—there was no ZERO connection. And that’s ok.  A few years ago, I would have felt obligated to give the guy a second chance; insurance that I didn’t judge him too quickly or miss any shared mating calls.

Nope. No connection whatsoever. I didn’t judge that too early…right? No, way. He seriously had adult ADD of some kind. I wonder if he forgot to take his meds? At least I had some clarity and didn’t feel like I had to see him again just to be nice…like the guy I went on a second date with even though he called me a wet waffle and asked if I took a Persian shower. In fact, deserve a pat on the back for enduring a face attack sans liquor. Add it to my stand-up material.

My gait was light, my spirit optimistic that I’ve grown. In the past, I might have ended my detox early to accommodate a date for fear of being labeled “boring” or “uptight”. It made me realize, I have the upper hand with most guys and that I don’t have to change who I am for them.  Progress.

Training Playlist: "Classy Girls," The Lumineers

(I made her laugh, I made a pass/I showed her my half dollar ring/ She said, “that’s pretty cool”/ But classy girls don’t kiss in bars you fool)